just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
