hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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