So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
