my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
