I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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