I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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