I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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