Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
