She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it's like heaven, but drunker
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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