Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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