Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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