Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
