I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
