you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
