mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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