I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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