I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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