there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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