I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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