I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
