Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
