Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
