$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
