Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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