I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
