So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
