the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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