I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
