I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
