my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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