Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i would punch a child for taco bell
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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