i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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