i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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