Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
