mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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