also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
