It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
