My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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