Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
