I just saw a hot homeless man
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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