Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
