I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
