I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
