On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We are all done wearing pants today
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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