If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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