just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
