i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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