I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
