This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
