What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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