I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
